In 2010 I
started self-destructing and instead of hitting alcohol, drugs or gambling my
addiction was shoplifting and it was stupid things that were not of any use to
me so I sold them on trademe. Late 2010 I started a great relationship and my
depression intensified I felt worthless and guilty but I just couldn't stop. I
felt I didn't deserve this great person in my life and beginning of June 2011 I
discovered I was pregnant (not planned) The day I was meant to go to the
doctors the police knocked on my door and I had been caught. I was so relieved
but at the same time so stressed. My only thought was oh my god I am already a
crap mother putting my baby through all this stress. When I told my partner
what I had done I tried to push him away before he could leave me however, he
stood by me. He knew what I did was not me and had done something stupid but
that didn't make me a bad person. He gave me the support I needed to get into
counselling and start addressing what had happened and why............... Boy
did that open a can of worms. Events and my childhood, things I had suppressed
all came to the surface and I realised I had, had unrecognised depression for
about 10 years.
In
October 2011, I was sentenced for what I did and received 12 months home
detention. Everything I had planned or goals I had set to achieve if I were to
get home detention went out the door as I wasn't allowed computer access so I
was completely isolated from the world, couldn't do any courses and more
importantly was cut of from information to do with my pregnancy and new born.
It was extremely hard until my plunket nurse stepped in and recommended SPACE.
After talking with my probation officer we managed to get permission for me to
go to the SPACE group on the condition I had to declear to everyone about what
I had done and that I was on home detention. I was so anxious that
everyone would judge me and wouldn't want to know me but all they said was
"its about time we had a good cry- its been a few weeks" for the
first time in a year I felt normal. I was around people that all had a story,
all needed help and I felt safe and secure.
People
that had known me for years wouldn't talk to me and were shocked, very few
saying whats up that doesn't sound like Michelle and yet a bunch of strangers
who understood depression welcomed me and supported me. When I came off home
detention they were so excited for me and gave me the support I needed to
"restart my life again"
One day I
would love to be a space leader as its such a magical place.
1 comment:
Hi Michelle – Many of us worry about being judged and not accepted and often that means we avoid situations. To hear that you were anxious, and yet went along to SPACE anyway is testament to your courage. I guess regardless of our circumstances, when we come together at SPACE we have some common ground in that we are all dealing with the challenges and joys of becoming a parent and need somewhere safe to be, in order to make sense of it all. I imagine that writing your story down may have been difficult, but we are very glad you did as it is inspirational.
Thanks again.
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